I was having some deep thoughts today about life and how hard it can be when you are a parent making big decisions with your family in mind.
For me, I am a Mom of five children ages 13,11,9,7, and 4 going on 30.
As I sit here writing my thoughts, I am sitting in my messy basement hallway folding laundry. As the clinking of the dryer goes over and over again, I write my thoughts about some things that I am feeling.
Ever since I closed down my business a year ago I feel like I have been trying to just get caught up on things. I have to relearn how to do housework as a housewife/mom day in and day out, all day long. I have forgotten tricks that I used to know how to keep things under control. I pray as I fold pile after pile. I think of ways I can “poof be gone” the laundry. I think of all of the things I did not get to today, and a soft voice in the back of my mind whispers, “Just do what you can today, and just get more done tomorrow.” With this advice comes hope that my house will be manageable by the end of the week….hopefully.
I am thinking about what brought our family to this small town over two years ago. We wanted to escape the crime and the business of life and the traffic, so we moved our children to what we deemed to be a better place, and it is. We are LDS so the history of the city of Manti is so significant to us. The mormon pioneers built this city with sacrifice. We live in the shadow of the temple just five minutes away. Within six months of moving here, we felt as if we had lived here forever. We have been surrounded by friends who have treated us like family. Everything is simple here. It is what made me push for a more simple life after going through some real trials in my life. This place immediately felt like home the day we moved in. Something we have never felt before, in all of the cities we have lived in since we have been married the last 14 years.
I have been feeling such a heavy weight on my shoulders lately with our current decisions we are trying to make. My husband and I spent a lot of time researching and praying about moving our family here. We moved here on savings and felt that it was a good decision because of all of the good things about the city. We figured a job here would follow. On a whim, my husband applied for his dream job in Park City. Well, a month after we moved here he received a call about a job there doing marketing for a company. He explained the situation and negotiated working mostly from home. Since then the arrangement has changed just enough to take him way too far away from us, far too often. We are going on two years since he started working in Park City. This has left us feeling like we cannot keep going like this. We value our family togetherness, and he and I are exhausted beyond measure. We are at a crossroads deciding what is best for our family. We have prayed for good employment in the city where we live and have not had much luck. It looks as if we must uproot our children and move to a nice city, but one that is faster paced and a different culture. It breaks our hearts to leave our friends here. It breaks our childrens hearts.
Some people say that moving is just a part of life. Maybe so, but moving could mean so many things. It means a lot of change, transition, and more expenses. What about the outcome of this decision? What if our children turn out differently because of it? I wish I had a crystal ball so I could see into the future.
With all of these decisions and stress, my anxiety attacks have returned. My ability to function has been cut in half. It has been miserable. Sometimes I wonder where God is when the attacks overwhelm me. I know so many other people face this, but I take it personally. Never have I felt so weak and determined!!
I did everything today I could to get to the temple so I could find some sort of relief. This morning when I walked through those glass doors at the Manti Temple I felt a very strong lifting of my burdens. It was as if someone came and said, “Let me help you with those!” and took them away for a short time!! It had been weeks since I had felt such relief and joy like that! I thought of the scripture that talks about how the people of the Lord will be endowed with power from on high. I know without a doubt that this is what it means. Will the Lord take away those burdens permanently? I wish!! If it is His will he can and will if he wants to. But these burdens are for my learning. I just learned this morning that the temple is indeed a place of refuge from the storms of life. Sometimes, that is what us Mom’s need to recharge. Not a day at the Spa or a big, expensive vacation. It is knowing that God cares how they are feeling and simply gives them relief, even for just a short time.
I hope that someone who reads this can know that maybe attending the temple is what they need! It is just what I needed, and I am sure I will return very soon. Never underestimate the power of attending the temple in these perilous times.